Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
