I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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