I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
