The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
