is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize