hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
