oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
