billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
