Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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