Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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