He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
We are two peas in an std pod
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
