today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
