Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
