Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
