I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
