You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
