I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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