I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
