dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Do vagina's smell?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
