Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
