I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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