why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
