I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
