I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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