ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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