Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
