What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
