You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
