i dedicated my morning wood to you.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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