The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
