omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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