We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
