He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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