these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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