so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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