who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
