when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
