bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
We are two peas in an std pod
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Randomize