My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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