she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
