Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize