I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
