He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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