i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
