Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
