I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Randomize