she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
