I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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