I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
