my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize