I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Randomize
