JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
