I am in a vortex of obligation.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
