Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize