I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Randomize
