Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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