the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
