can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
wakey wakey hands off snakey
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize