Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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