I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Is this like a preordered booty call?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
