i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
