I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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