Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Who died my cat blue again?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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